One
More Chance?
Marriages, which last in a successful
way, I would
venture to say, result when two people
hold
sacred
above all else a total devotion to
each
other and
their relationship.
This
devotion requires courage.
The
courage to open oneself to
another.
The
courage to risk being vulnerable and
trusting
that the
other will protect that
vulnerability.
The courage to place
your hopes and dreams in
that one
person.
The
courage to persevere when things get
tough.
The
courage to make a continuous self- examination
to
assess whether you are doing all that is
possible
to
show loving regard for the relationship, courage
to
acknowledge that maybe you have not.
The
courage to make whatever changes you must,
in order
for love to go on and not chip
away.
When a
love stands solid, there is a total
commitment,
an
ability to experience and show
compassion
each for the
other.
There
are no secrets, no lies, and no hidden agendas.
There is
no retribution, blame, or devaluation
of the
other.
There is
no physical or emotional abuse. There is a
willingness to talk, to work to find a
resolution when
there is
conflict, to accommodate different needs and
perceptions.
One
understands the greatness of the gift of being
given another's heart, hopes and dreams and the
equally great gift of
being able to fill those hopes
and
dreams.
There is
a Zen saying, "cause no harm". When love
is unbending, there is no
harm.
If
that's true, it must mean that during a
discussion
between a
husband and wife, care must be taken
by both
in not saying
anything that will hurt the other
and
stay in the memory
forever.
It must
mean that both have to think during an
argument, think
about not hurting, think about
somehow
finding a way to
be gentle and then
finding the magic to
end the argument
somewhere
in the middle so both feel their
point is
made.
As we
grow older we ourselves behave better
as a
relationship grows, in the year’s the
love.
The love will grow, or
the cause for the relationship
will fade as
husband and wife
grow in different
directions.
The
courage it takes to face an increasing distance
in partners growth
many times can never be
discovered, until,
one morning you wake
up,
and the person you are looking at across
the
breakfast table suddenly is a stranger.
The
realization that very second of what has
happened shakes everything you are.
How can
this be? It was only
yesterday.
Here in
America, that morning comes to more
couples
than it has not
come to.
Why I
wonder?
Is it
the freedom itself?
I have
come to believe that it may very well be
the
ability and desire
for each of us to go our own directions
if
we wish and now it's
become a part of our very culture.
The
people that do not go their own way are thought
of as
weak instead
of devoted.
Is being
loyal and devoted wrong? I think not, but maybe,
America’s thoughts have
changed.
Today it
takes a very special pair of people to have
a
relationship that
will last until they pass on.
Both
must care about each other more than they
care
about themselves and especially what others
may
think or say.
Finally,
you might want to think about
this:
True
INDEPENDENT love, means neither of you have
to
lose your
personality or become a silent
partner.
You only have to
accept
the others independence.
True
love is a LABOR of Caring-Understanding,
Patience
and Bending
for both.
It is a
mixture of OLD FASHIONED morals and
decency
toward one
another, and a new way of thinking about
what independence really
is.
The
blending of the two; nothing short of a
miracle,
is what a lasting
Marriage
thrives on.
I write
this today, knowing that both the lady I
once
loved, and myself,
failed.
We did
not make the effort to keep our love alive
and as a result we both sit
alone today, wondering
what tomorrow might
bring.
She in
her late 50s and me in my early 60s have
probably been given our last
chance at truly loving
and being with
another.
We have
used up our chance. What once was
warm
and
beautiful, is now cold and brittle. Time will
soften it
some,
but never turn it around.
So we go on
alone.
I
believe that the most terrible mistake a person
can
make comes late in
life.
Is this
that mistake? Or is it exactly the way it was
always supposed to
be?
I can
only hope that we each are
given
another chance.
©Bobby,
November 2003
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